The Mushy Mind of Captain Jack Sparrow
by silverhorizon
Summary: More brilliant thoughts from the mushy mind of Captain Jack Sparrow, while he is stranded on the island by Barbossa the first time. Enjoy ppls. VERY FUNNY!
1. day one

A/N I do not own anything that is in this story.  Anything.  Kind of sad, actually.  

So, people liked my story, Walking the Lines, and requested more, so here it is… more from the absolutely brilliantly mushy mind of Captain Jack Sparrow.  

***~***

Summary; More brilliant thoughts from the mushy mind of Captain Jack Sparrow, while he is stranded on the island by Barbossa the first time.  Enjoy ppls.  

Chapter 1, and maybe the only chapter, I dunno

            Well, here I am. Me, sitting here, stranded.  Yep.  All by myself.  Alone.  Hmmm.  

            Never really thought it would happen.  Me, mutinied?  Nah… impossible.  Well, I've learned something… nothing is impossible.  Just improbable.  But if everything is improbable, then it actually can be accomplished, right?  So maybe I can figure out some way to get off this damned island.  Something… who knows, maybe there's a village on the other side, right?  Well… too lazy to find out at the moment, actually, so I think I'll just doze off.  After all, I have a long time to figure out a way to escape, right?  I mean… I'm sure not going anywhere.  

            But who knows.  Maybe I'll find an abandoned ship or something… and some rum… And the ship would be full of really beautiful women, who work for free if you get them drunk enough…, and lots and lots and lots of rum… 

            Never mind.  I'm just dreaming again, just dreaming… just… dreaming… that is NOT going to happen, Jack, so get it out of your mind.  Just… stop thinking about it at all.  

            Whoa, I think I am going crazy.  A few seconds ago I think that a bird flew by and purposefully crapped on my hat.  On PURPOSE!  Damn that bird… it will die.  I guarantee you, it will die… where did I put that pistol?  Dammit, bird, you're going to DIE!   

            No, No, no.  Never mind.  Just… just put the pistol down, Jack, put it down.  Save it.  Barbossa's going to die, someday.  Someday, that pistol is going to be in his skull.  Buried deep into his sku-

            NO!  There's that damn bird again!  Die, friggin bird!  Oh… you, bird, you don't know who you're messing with.  You had better watch out, because nobody messes with Captain Jack Sparrow and LIVES!  You're going to die; I'll kill you, and then eat you… I'm hungry now.  

            I think I'll go to sleep.  

            No… I can't go to sleep, I can't think straight… maybe I'll go explore, see if I can find a way out of here. Yeah, that's it.  I'll go explore.  

            ***

            Yes!  Finally, someone up there has the decency to be a nice person.  Who has better luck that Captain Jack Sparrow?  Who ELSE could find a trapdoor simply bursting full of rum?  RUM!  My savior!  My escape!  I find that when you can't go anywhere, when you're locked up, trapped, rum is the best escape, the best freedom you can have.  I'm in that sort of position right now, but I would have to disagree.  The best escape I could have right now would be a ship.  That would be nice.  

            But rum is good too.  

            Oh, sweet rum.  

            Hang on a second… I can't get it open.  Dammit.  

            NOOO!!! No friggin bottle is going to keep me from my rum!  _*smash* _

Ouch. That really, really hurt.  Oh well.  At least now I have rum.  I WILL LIVE!  I HAVE THE WILL!  WILL!  WILL TO LIVE, SO I WILL LIVE!  

            Oops.  Spilled a little bit.  Hehe.  That's kinda funny.  

            Rum is really good.  Did you know that, Sally?  Billy?  Whatever your name is?  

            Hmmm.  I've forgotten.  I think I should have some more rum, maybe I'll remember.  

            Or not.  But do I care?  No.  

            I SEE THE BIRD AGAIN!  BIRD, YOU GOIN DOWN!  Hahaha…

            No… where did I put that pistol?  

            I CAN'T FIND IT!  

            YOU GOT LUCKY THIS TIME, FRIGGIN BIRD!  NEXT TIME YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!  I HAVE THE WILL!

            Woo Hoo!  Yeah… Um… 

            Hmmm…

            Now what.  The rum bottle is empty.  Um… 

            Well… I'd kinda like some more.   Where did I get it in the first place?  I forgot.  Could somebody please be nice to me and get me another bottle? 

            I guess not… 

            Hmmm… 


	2. day two

A/N I do not own anything in this story

Wow, so many reviews, within the first, like, twenty minutes of posting!  I am so impressed… that's like, a new record for me; maybe I should write humor fics more often?  Anyway, thanks to **The Second Geek… I'd be willing to bet I owe my reviews to you, thanks so very much, also to **penguingirl-777… **your review was strange… you… liked it?  I… think so… um… anyway, thanks for reviewing.  Also to **AbbieNormal182… **hi, you didn't log in but I know it was you, thanks.  **Sparrow Quill… **buried deep inside everyone is some insanity… mine only comes out in stories like these, and occasionally in my bio, because I keep changing it, um… Yeah, and I'm sure that in everyone's heart is a little bit of hatred for birds.  Personally, I think birds are okay… but one of my friends has a bird that has a bit of a temper, so… my general image of birds is not a good one.  I figured that Jack would hate anything if it annoyed him.  **

Thanks to **lemluvspirates **and** TortillaInLuv… **I'm glad you both liked it.  And thanks to **XtineSparrowDepp… I like yer stories too, savvy?**

Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm running out of inspiration and I'm not sure if this chapter will be as good as the first one apparently was.  Enjoy.

***~***

            Woke up alone on a beach.  

            Actually, I'm a little freaked out… there is nobody here, I have a headache, and I don't know how I got here.  The sun is just peaking over the distant horizon, sending a little bit of color around… shame I don't have any company to enjoy it with.  That'd be really nice.  

            This brings me back to confusion.  The last time I woke up on a beach it was after a night of frisky fun with pleasurable company.  

            Where did she go?  She should be here somewhere… Dang it, I can't remember her name… come to think of it, I don't even remember what she looks like!  Damn, I'm going to be in trouble when she gets back, I'll have to blame it on something… wait… 

            I'm still wearing my clothes.   

            Confusion…

            So there must be another reason why I'm here.  So, maybe there was no girl… maybe the Pearl was shipwrecked or something and now I'm washed up on this beach.  Yeah, I bet that was it… 

            No… no, that can't be it.  I'd remember if something happened to my beautiful Pearl.  

            No, I'd kill something if something happened to my beautiful Pearl.  

            Have I killed anything lately?  I can't really remember what happened last night… was I already on this beach last night?  

            I think I was.  I remember lots and lots of rum and… 

            There was a bird that kept attacking me, provoking me on and on and on and on and on and I almost shot it but I didn't want to waste my one shot… 

            *gasp*  

            Shit.  I remember now.  

            Did I end up using that shot?  I sure hope not… I really, really need it right about now… wait a minute… I remember lots of rum, so where is all that rum now?  I must find it…

            ***

            Searched everywhere.  No rum to be found.  

***

Ha!  I found it!  Finally!  But… I accidentally fell into the trapdoor.  And broke my ankle.  

Of course, I am the great Captain Jack Sparrow, I laugh at pain and grin at death…

Yeah, if there's one thing I've learned, you never, EVER laugh at death, he doesn't like it, hahaha… 

So anyway, like I was saying, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, so if I wanted to, I could just climb out of here, with my amazing strength and willpower… 

But I don't really feel like it.  No.  If I _wanted _to, I would, but I don't want to, so there.  Well, anyway, I fell in here a little while ago and started drinking, but this bottle I just opened isn't very strong, not strong enough.  I think I need another… 

But you have to understand, this is strictly to get rid of the _pain, _see, because my ankle hurts.  

I mean, no, I didn't say that.  I drink for pleasure, I laugh at pain!  Hahaha, take that pain!  *hic* Die, pain! *hic* 

I'm getting sort of hungry.  But believe me, if I _wanted to climb out and find food, I would, I just don't feel like it.  I'm not a sissy; I just don't feel like it.  _

But what would be nice is if that little bird would just sort of… fly over the door of the trapdoor, so I could get out my pistol and…

            Damn bird, never around when you need it.  I swear to god that if I ever find it, it's going to die.  

            Funny how when you want things to be there, they never are, but when you want things to go away, they won't?  Have you ever noticed that Sally?  Hahaha, I remember that girls name now, it was Sally.  Sally, the one who was with me on the beach last night… I wonder where she went.  

            Oooh, scary… have you ever noticed that when the sky gets dark, the clouds are all… freaky?  *hic* 

            Where did my hat go?  

            I know I put it somewhere.  Where did I put it?  

            Crap.  I lost my hat.  

            No… you know what?  I bet that bird took it, and now it's sitting in the stupid things nest, and that bird is pooping all over it and when I finally get it back, after I've shot the damn thing, it'll be all white and crusty… what kind of a pirate has a white crusty hat?  That bird had better not have diarrhea… I will not have a purple and brown and green crusty hat… hahaha, what if one of those lobster backs had to wear a green and purple and brown crusty hat… the look on his face, I will never forget it. *hic* 

            Oh.  

            I found my hat.  

            It was on my head.  Isn't that funny, how things work out to be okay?  Everything is just… okay.  Hahaha…

            And the best part is, now that I'm here, in this trapdoor, I won't have to look for my rum in the *hic* morning.  

            So, why would I want to climb out of here?  I mean, what stupid idiot might want to climb out of a place that is simply full of rum?  

            I wouldn't.  And… I don't feel like doing it.  

            So there.  

            I *hic* won't.  

            *hic*

            *hic*

            I'm really hungry.  

            *hic*

            *hic*

            Just in case someone cares.  

            *hic*  

            *hic* 


	3. day 3

A/N Ok… thanks for all your reviews, ppls.  I suppose I should write fics like this more oft, eh?  Well, anyway, I'm pretty sure that this is going to be the last chapter, because it is the third day and Jack was only on the island for three days… I know, I'm smart, huh?  But if I get lots of reviews for this chapter, then I might have another one so I can thank my reviewers. Probly not tho, don't get yer hopes up… I would have to get, like, ten reviews.  I might write another story like this (not the same place, but Jacks mind again) if requested, and if I get more inspiration.  Anywayz, thank yous for the last chapter reviewers… **Snuffles2**, **Dawnie-7, Emily Knibbe, the Second Geek, and**** AbbieNormal182… You guys are the best, hope you like this chapter.  **

***~***

            Whoa.  

            Where the hell am I? 

            I must have gotten really drunk last night or something… I'm in a really dark, dank room that smells like rum.  

            Actually, quite a pleasant smell.  Unfortunately, my bloody ankle hurts.  

            I wonder if I'm dead.  Is this hell?  It doesn't smell like hell.  But maybe it's not heaven, either… if it was; I wouldn't be in extreme pain right now.  

            So where the hell am I?  My head hurts too, but not as much as my ankle… maybe I… fell into a ditch and twisted it.  Yeah, that's it.  

            I don't know if that makes me feel any better.  I'm still in deep shit.  

            But… I'm in a ditch that smells strongly of rum?  Wait a second… is this an empty ditch that smells like rum?  Maybe there's still some rum left in it.  *tries to get up, failing miserably* or, maybe not… actually, I'm pretty sure that it's just me that smells like rum.  Yep, no rum left in here.  And even if there was, I really don't fell like getting up and getting it.  

            *silence*

            Right?

            *more silence*  

            So… well… I guess I'll just sit here until someone notices me.  *a minute goes by* um… *another minute goes by* Ok, listen people, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, how long should it take for somebody to find me?  *minutes pass*  

            Ok, that's it.  If you're going to take all frigging day about it, then fine.  I can wait.  

            ***~***

            Getting bored.  

            ***~***

            I CAN WAIT!  DAMMIT, I'M CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, AND I CAN WAIT AS LONG AS IT TAKES!

            Is it just me, or is it getting lighter in here?

            ***~***

            It's getting a lot lighter in here.  

            I've just thought of something (I've had a lot of time to think)… maybe I am not just lying in a ditch.  Maybe Barbossa mutinied me on an island and I have been on that island for two days already and found a trapdoor full of rum, which I got drunk on, and the next day when I tried to find it again I fell into the trapdoor and broke my ankle and then got drunk and forgot all about it.  

            Maybe not.  

            But nothings impossible.  

            But if that were true, then there would have to be bottles and bottles of rum still in here, waiting to be drunken.  *squints around* whoa, it's gotten a lot lighter in here… there's blue sky coming through that trapdoor!  I can see…

            Rum.  

            Lots and lots and lots of rum.  

            Can't… reach…

            I mean… I could reach it, if I wanted to.  I just don't really want to.  You don't want that rum, Jack, just stop thinking about it… *whimpers* 

            I hear noises now.  Footsteps and men talking.  They're coming closer.  I'm saved!  Yay!  Finally, someone will be able to reach that rum for me!  I mean… I also might get off the island.  

            ***~***

            Getting closer and closer… so close… I've almost reached it… 

            YES!  RUM!  

            Oh, and those guys are almost here.  

            ***~**

            I'm saved!  I struck up an accord with these men, rumrunners, and they agreed to give me a lift to a port where I can find a ship and get ready to take my revenge.  

            They've never heard of me… sigh… no matter, they will.  And when that day comes, they will be like… 'Hey, we had that guy on our ship!' 

            Yeah… I can see it now…

            My name lit up in lanterns in all the bars… yeah, that'll be the day, when every whore in Tortuga has heard of me and my ship.  And the redcoats draw back in fear when my name is mentioned… when I'll be- _stop laughing!  I'm being serious!  _

            A/N Review please


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